"Awkward Old Testament Stories" by Katherine Cowley

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There’s a general, unspoken agreement that we don’t talk about certain things at church. We don’t have to discuss what to avoid or explain the why. Everyone just knows.

Everyone except for Sister Wheeley.

She managed to ruin church so many times last year, but I didn’t write what she said down, which makes it harder to remember the terribleness. So for 2026, I’m using this section of my bullet journal to record any awkward stories she brings up at church.

1. March 1st. Testimony meeting. Genesis 19: Lot’s Daughters.

Fast Sunday was not the most strategic day for me to bring a friend to church. After the first four testimonies, Patricia leaned over and said, “So basically, it’s an open mic.”

Then Sister Wheeley took the stand and talked about how Lot’s daughters got him drunk and tricked him into sleeping with them because after seeing the fires of Sodom and Gomorrah, they thought they were the last three people on the earth. “These girls—and they were teenage girls—they saw themselves as Eves who needed to start the human race. And what I love about this story is that they’re not condemned at all. No one’s upset at them. They did what they could, with the best knowledge they had at the time. And I love Lot’s daughters for that.”

After sacrament meeting, my friend Patricia ran out of the church like the building was on fire.

2. March 8th. Relief Society. Genesis 21: Abraham kicks out family.

In Relief Society we discussed Sister Dennis’ “Cheering Each Other On,” so there should have been NO REASON to mention the Old Testament. The teacher asked how we can show Christlike love, and Sister Wheeley randomly brought up Abraham kicking out Hagar and their son. At first he is sad about doing this terrible thing to his family, but then God says, “Let it not be grievous in thy sight.” Then Sister Wheeley went off on how we don’t need to be sad about doing hard things to your kids, because sometimes it’s the right thing to do. Then she got all emotional and left the room.

Sister Parkins declared (rather self-righteously), “I heard that Sister Wheeley called the cops on her own son on Friday night.”

Cue awkward silence.

I don’t think Sister Parkins should’ve shared that, but it’s good to know. I anonymously dropped by cookies this evening—my son doorbell-ditched them on the porch. I hope Sister Wheeley is okay.

3. March 29th. Testimony meeting (General Conference next week!). Genesis 35/49: Reuben sleeps with his dad’s concubine, Bilhah.

The point of the Reuben-Bilhah story is that Reuben lost blessings because he slept with his dad’s wife. That’s the only reason it’s in the Bible.

So Sister Wheeley gets up and starts rambling about Bilhah’s motivations, which aren’t mentioned at all, so it’s just wild speculation. “Why did she do it? Maybe he forced her, or maybe he tricked her. But my guess is that Bilhah never felt loved by Jacob, just like Leah never felt loved. And I think that Bilhah felt loved and noticed by Reuben, in a way she never had before. But she still shouldn’t have done it. So that’s a lesson for us—don’t be seduced into doing the wrong thing, just because it makes you feel better at the time. And DON’T ABUSE PRESECRIPTION DRUGS!”

Why does she have to get up every testimony meeting?

4. May 10th. Sacrament meeting. Numbers 5.

Apparently the Bishopric thought Mother’s Day was a safe time to assign Sister Wheeley a talk.

They were wrong.

Sister Wheeley spoke about the positive attributes of women. She said that in Biblical times, if a woman was accused of adultery by her husband but he didn’t have proof, the priests would force her to drink bad water. If she had sinned, her belly would swell and her thigh would rot. But if she hadn’t sinned, the water wouldn’t make her sick and she would have babies for her husband. Apparently having babies for your husband after he falsely accuses you of adultery is a “beautiful, profound example of the longsuffering of mothers.”

Wow.

5. June 7th. Testimony meeting. Judges 19: A concubine is gang raped until she dies. Her husband cuts her into 12 pieces which he sends to the tribes of Israel because he wants them to feel bad.

Not a single General Conference talk in the entire history of the church has ever referenced this chapter or this story. I checked.

After sharing all the gory, tragic details, Sister Wheeley said that Christ wants us to have a sense of community and responsibility, and we can’t just stand by and let our neighbors be hurt. That’s a good message, but there’s a lot of other stories she could’ve used. Why was she drawn to this one?

6. June 14th. Relief Society.

No awkward stories today. I just had the impression that Sister Wheeley’s been through a lot, so I went over to her house. We talked for an hour. It turns out that we both love hiking, so we’re going to do a trail later this week.

7. July 5th. Testimony meeting. 1 Samuel 28: Saul convinces the Witch of Endor to summon the spirit of Samuel—and it works!

Basically, the Witch of Endor was an ancient Ouija board. Not that we should use Ouija boards—we’ve got prophets, scriptures, and personal revelation. But there’s so much we can learn from other people and other traditions, and God can use all good things in this world to give us truth.

My friend Patricia visited church again today, and this time she actually stayed for second hour.

Also: confession. This awkward Old Testament story wasn’t shared by Sister Wheeley. It was shared by me. Sister Wheeley convinced me that I should actually read the entire Old Testament instead of just the assigned chapters, and I’m finding it really relevant to my life.

This piece was published in 2026 as part of the 15th Annual Mormon Lit Blitz by the Mormon Lit Lab. Sign up for our newsletter for future updates.