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“Hie to Kolob” by Emily Harris Adams

Annual Time Passage Unit 23.01956 Excerpt from President Aleki Tuigamala’s address: “At Parting, We Part.” My dear brothers and sisters, as we close this conference, I am keenly aware of the rumors that have been circulating. I am indeed going to be making an announcement of some moment. Throughout time, God has called his people to flee from places of oppression and of danger. Jared fled from Babel, Moses fled from Egypt, Lehi from Jerusalem, Brigham Young from Missouri.

Brothers and sisters, as the Lord has done so many times before, He is calling us to flee into the wilderness, but never before has the wilderness been so wild and unknown. Today, God is calling on us to leave the world entirely. For the past few decades, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has used tithing money, the proceeds from church-owned investments, and generous donations from members to purchase enough ships and resources to leave this planet in search of the new Promised Land. Our first ship, the Mahonri, will be ready to receive passengers within the next three months. We invite all Saints to get their affairs in order and prepare to join the most massive exodus mankind has ever seen.  But this invitation is not just for the Saints. With our vast resources, in excess of 100 billion (Cu)Bits, we face no impediments to supporting each and every person on the planet. We invite all humanity to join us.

A.T.P.U. 23.01958 News article, “Church of Jesus Christ to Leave Earth.” The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints raised eyebrows last week following an announcement that the entire membership should flee the planet. This news comes not long after an anonymous source leaked information that the church had sold off many of its assets.

Reactions from the membership are mixed, but if the housing markets in Latter-day Saint hotspots are any indication, it seems that many members are taking their leader’s advice to heart.

Detractors from the faith argue that this announcement, coming right on the heels of the catastrophic failure of the Mars 3 colony, proves that the church has crossed the line from an ultra-orthodox religion to a dangerous cult.

Whatever their views, faithful followers and doomsday doubters alike have the same question: what exactly does President Tuigamala think he is running from? Global temperatures are returning to pre-industrial normal, global hunger and poverty are decreasing, and membership of the church has finally reached its long-held goal of becoming the most prominent denomination of Christianity. What does this “prophet” know that the rest of the world doesn’t?

A.T.P.U 23.619 Transcript of the opening monologue for “The Tonight Show Revival.” Well, there you have it, folks. Here it comes: the Rapture, and just like John the Revelator predicted, it will come without warning. People will just be there one moment and gone the next. Wait, nope. Never mind, the Rapture will apparently be led by rich religious zealots in spaceships. Oh, and they have time to get top dollar from their earthside assets. Yes. Just like the Bible said. So, sell your homes to the sad suckers who stay behind, take your food storage, and for heaven’s sake, don’t forget your Golden Plates.

A.T.P.U 24.02356 Transcript of interview of President Aleki Tuigamala with Eloise Alvarez of International News Radio, 23 days prior to the launch of the Mahonri. A: President Tuigamala, thank you for joining me this evening.

T: Ms. Alvarez, thank you for having me.

A: President, you’ve got to know that your announcement caused quite a stir.

T: Yes, I knew it would. I was shocked myself when I realized just what it was that God was asking us to do.

A: You say, “Us.” Can you explain that?

T: Yes, Ms. Alvarez. You see, this project has been in development for many years. I was a newly called Apostle when the prophet at the time, President Nguyen, came to the Quorum of the Twelve and told us he received the prompting that mankind would be called to leave its home. After many weeks of thoughtful discussion, research, and prayer, we came to see that yes, God wanted us to leave. After that confirmation, we immediately began preparations to evacuate the whole of humanity.

A: That sounds like an ambitious project.

T: It is, but if you look at our history, we are not afraid of ambitious projects.

A: Yes, true, but your project is more than just ambitious. Many are calling it foolish. As of yet, not a single colonization effort has succeeded. In fact, all have ended in catastrophic, mass-casualty events. This fact alone makes your project seem foolhardy. What makes it almost incomprehensible is that you haven’t even picked a colonization site.

T: When we first began this project, we sent a series of probes out into space. We hoped that before the time to leave came, our probes would be able to direct us to a desirable colonization site, a Promised Land, if you will. Unfortunately, that hasn’t been the case. A few months ago, I received inspiration that told me now is the time to begin the exodus. My councilors and the Quorum of the Twelve agree that, with such a monumental task, time is of the essence. When Moses left Egypt, he didn’t know where the Promised Land was, or that he would spend the next forty years wandering in the wilderness. He had to act with faith. The Exodus was not easy. We are under no illusions that our own exodus will be easier than his. We’re ready to act with faith as well.

A: But, President, what are you running from?

T: I am becoming increasingly convinced that we’re not running from anything. I think we are running to something.

A: And what is that?

T: God knows, and I trust Him.

A: Well, God be with you.

T: And with you, Ms. Alvarez. If you want it, there is a spot available for you.

A.T.P.U 25.5 The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints Newsroom. In the wake of the successful launch of the Mahonri, three additional ships have begun accepting passengers: the Liahona, the Hagoth, and the Legacy. Additional ships will be added as necessary.

A.T.P.U 38 Viral post from user Moroni1045, received 2 years after the launch of the Hagoth. Anyone else find it ironic that about one third of the church membership has decided not to join the exodus? No? Just me? OK. Carry on.

A.T.P.U 38.00000000001 Reply from Suzanne84 of Boise, Idaho. Do I find it ironic that two thirds of ‘God’s Chosen,’ have voluntarily cast themselves into outer darkness? Yep. Seems like a bit of a statistical reversal, doesn’t it? Hope you live long enough to see this post.

A.T.P.U 85.111110565 Last known transmission from the Legacy, received 40 years after launch and 30 years after complete radio silence, a private email. Dear Mom,

It seems so strange that, to you, we left ten years ago. To us, it has only been a few months. I hope that, during this time, you’ve decided to join your own ship. At the very least, I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive us for leaving.

Things are going well for us here. The quarters are smaller than we had on Earth, but the kids are doing great. They argue less and share more. Tom and I feel closer than we ever have. The food is… alright. We’ve made a few friends. Our closest neighbors are actually a Muslim family from South Africa. They are teaching us Afrikaans and we are teaching them English.

We still have no destination, as of yet. The probes, we’re calling them “Doves,” have identified a few planets that look promising. Still, we are relative years away from sending an exploration party.

Occasionally, we hear of people who have changed their minds. There’s even been a petition for a group to take one of the ship’s lifeboats back to Earth. There is supposed to be a meeting of the leadership to address the issue sometime later this week.

I know you’re scared for us, Mom. Sometimes I’m afraid too. We all have our moments up here. Even so, there is a growing sense of peace among most of us on the Legacy. I know we are in the right place.

I don’t know if they will still be sending more ships out by the time you get this. Time dilation is so insane and our ability to send and receive transmissions is so unpredictable. I just wanted you to know that at family prayer tonight, Evelyn prayed that you would join us. Send my love to Dad and Jacob. We would love to hear from you, but understand it might not be possible.

All my love, Lucy

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